So 27 was supposed to be my year. I claimed it and made this weird decade parallel to life at 17. The thought bubble appears over my head and there I am as a teen again. A young, bright spirit who was such a smarty pants. A girl who said everything that was on her mind-loudly, and shamelessly. This Rebecca drove the coolest, smoothest Toyota, dipped in champagne with leather interiors. She played soccer and felt like a high schooler out of the best tween movie. She had friends, solid friends. I mean the eat, sleep and breathe each other friendship that everyone around them chokes from the gushy smog of friendom. This girl was a community leader, playing a great role in her youth group; people could feel the blessings on this Rebecca (and made the biblical name reference religiously)(see what I did there). The point it, I thought 27 would be me getting back to this confident, loved and witty girl who turned into an angry and tired adult. 27 was supposed to be amazing; and not even a fourth of the way in, I want out.
Don't get me wrong the year has been ok. Actually it's been pretty good. There have been some awesome highlights and I know better things are on the horizon. But am I choking? When I say choking I mean am I feeling like life got the best of me. Because while I do work out more, care for my body (which has been a long time coming), work in a decent environment, have great moments with friends and family and get potential bae opportunities every now and again, I feel numb. I feel like I'm just going through the motions (omg cliché). And what's most striking: I fear I may have plateaued.
Can it get any better for Rebecca? What is truly next? As I see others in my ecosystem doing real things and making bigger strides, I think about all my shortcomings being proof that I wont get any greater than today. This is a rather irrational thought; but slightly plausible. Why am I still comparing? Why am I still dealing with the same hurdles from years ago? I've been in New York for 3 years. In most places this doesn't seem long, but for folks who come here, a lot happens within 3 years. Has a lot happened for me? To an extent. Am I where I want to be? Not at all. Am I close? No. Not even remotely? Doesn't feel like it.
I guess I'm just trying to say I'm waiting for the day I can visit folks in my hometown and give them big news. Great news. Life changing news. And honestly, I'm scared of what that work will look like. I'm scared and this is causing me to choke and go numb. There are instances I come out of that; but that's no longer enough.
The peers who impress me grind ferociously. They are up early, eating well, writing, applying, doing daily. The key word is here is "daily". I look at how I spend most days, and it isn't productively. How can I get back to a productive Rebecca? That's what made 17 so special anyways: I was busy. I was doing stuff like being involved in my community and school. I was studying and on top of my academics. I had strong, healthy friendships with lots of fellowship. These things lack, to an extent, in my current life. So I think it's time to stop trying to bring back 17 year old Rebecca and bring out 27 Rebecca in the most revitalized fashion. Because numbed and choked isn't what I see in my future.
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