This Domestic Violence Awareness Month didn't feel like one for me. I didn't see beloved celebrities sharing their stories. I didn't attend any awareness events. I hadn't written anything about Maggie all month. all the while I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was so present and it took me forever to realize that's why I kept having bouts of immense sadness. This whole month I was too busy thinking about what to be for Halloween (planned to be Garnet, ended up being a very DIY Pippy). I was thinking about projects that matter and projects I need to forget. I was reinforcing intentional relationships. I was just so consumed in so many other things that I really didn't reflect on what happened to Maggie.
Actually I'm lying.
When I was sitting on the edge of bed feeling terribly depressed, I'd eventually realize I was thinking about her. As I thought about her I would think about how someone could do that to her. Stab her. Multiple times. I'd torture myself with the graphic imagery. I'd wonder why. Why couldn't I save her? why didn't I know.
I think of the rage I have when I see men displaying toxic masculinity. It's become so displaced. I agitated an argument that was soon ending at a club trying to defend a woman who didn't ask for me to yell and entice a man to fight me. I think of how overwhelmed I've become with trying to avenge Maggie that I've just become reckless when it comes to toxic masculinity and refuting it.
I keep thinking about how sad we've been since she left us. She was such a joy in our family- always laughing and joking. I keep thinking about how every Christmas, no matter how hard the year was for her, she'd always get me a gift. She'd make it look expensive too, ya know putting it in a box with the fluff.
This month is so jumbled up with other things going on that there's not the proper space and time to flesh out domestic violence. There's no way to really speak about it within 31 days. How can we show awareness, solidarity and commitment to ending toxic masculinity. Regret and anger are feelings that come up with the coping of Maggie's death.
I just keep screaming to myself "it's not fair" and "why". That won't bring her back though. I have 4 cousins and a great aunt to think about. I have real ways to "avenge" her and will find constructive means to do so.
Maggie, I miss you so much.
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