52 Essays 2017: My Anger Towards Oppressive Men

This is Women's History Month; a time to highlight the phenomenal women in history and who are making history. Many influential and trailblazing women come to mind and excite me this month. But for whatever reason, I've lately been fixated on the oppression women face through toxic masculinity. This disease appears in enigmatic and clear ways. We normalize it through society and I see the gross contradictions of domestic violence.

As I've shared before on this blog, my aunt passed due to domestic violence. Ever since then I am realizing more and more how toxic masculinity killed her. I'm realizing how people in her life normalized her husband's behavior. How they victim blamed. How they flip flopped their views to make all her situations her fault. It is heartbreaking and just disturbing. It angers me and leaves me resenting people. Feeling like they're cowards. I know this energy isn't resolution based but this is where I'm at. However, I want to be at a point where I'm looking at these systems that take away our peace, autonomy and life. I want to feel safe around men again; and I don't mean I sense a physical danger. But I am afraid too many men in my life think, contribute and exercise these oppressive ways towards women, to the point they would watch me die the way men in Maggie's life watched her die.

Yes that's a bold statement but the truth because we continue to taboo domestic violence. For one we don't understand what it is and the many forms it takes. We refuse to understand toxic masculinity and how we must challenge men to shift their perception of their relationship to women. To this day in a world of working women, female leaders, young girls who are entrepreneurs, women being credited for their contributions to history and just an all around neo Women's movement, I'm honestly befuddled at how men still can view women as lesser. Of course there is a sociological and demographic answer to this, but we must reverse this. Men need to be accountable and this is the root of my anger I've come to learn finally.

I just see too often in every outlet men aren't held accountable for the hurt they do to women. Women everywhere are shamed for the abuse they've endured. Boys are conditioned to conceptualize this all as the norm. This is literally toxic masculinity and it is destroying women.

The anger I feel seems to get stronger and turn into a rage. Something that specifically triggered me was an awesome podcast The Read. I just started listening to them and became an instant fan. They were talking about the restraining order Karrueche filed against Chris Brown. Most of us know about his attack on Rihanna in 2009, which left Rihanna severely injured and traumatized. Karrueche also claimed Brown hit her before and a neighbor confirmed hearing their struggles. Crissle who's a co-host, spoke about the scrutiny Karrueche went through for dating Chris Brown and the double sided judgment she received.

Folks were condemning her for dating Chris Brown in the first place. Then when he was being obsessive and a stalker people were saying he's so crazy about her she better take him back. You see how no matter his behavior and her defense, somehow she's still at fault? This was the same thing when it came to Rihanna. Folks will always blame the victim because we are never told to hold men accountable. As Crissle continued about this and how folks are stupid to think like this; I really felt her on this. Why is this the masses thinking process? When do we just realize these women tried to love a man who needs effective help and responsibility? I just think of how there are so many Chris Browns that I encounter daily. They are the pervs who check out children. They are the uncles who cop feels. They are the fathers who turn a blind eye to a woman's cry for help. They are the church that won't kick out an abusive member. They are the men who are intimidated by a powerful woman, whether it be by her wealth, leadership or knowledge.

I'm just tired of these men getting to enjoy their lives oppressively and peacefully all the while damaging however many girls. I hate how Rihanna, Karrueche, and many women that we'll ever know, because countless assault reports go unfilled due to women fearing they won't be believed, have to carry such the shame they didn't earn. Men just scare me and I love them so much but I do rage at their oppression. Like I stated prior, I want to effectively be fed up about this so I can be fired up and do something that'll be preventive and shifting. But for now I am processing this anger and exploring how I can confront the men like this in my personal life.

I Dream of Maggie: Almost 2 Years

This Domestic Violence Awareness Month didn't feel like one for me. I didn't see beloved celebrities sharing their stories. I didn't attend any awareness events. I hadn't written anything about Maggie all month. all the while I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was  so present and it took me forever to realize that's why I kept having bouts of immense sadness. This whole month I was too busy thinking about what to be for Halloween (planned to be Garnet, ended up being a very DIY Pippy). I was thinking about projects that matter and projects I need to forget. I was reinforcing intentional relationships. I was just so consumed in so many other things that I really didn't reflect on what happened to Maggie.

Actually I'm lying.

When I was sitting on the edge of bed feeling terribly depressed, I'd eventually realize I was thinking about her. As I thought about her I would think about how someone could do that to her. Stab her. Multiple times. I'd torture myself with the graphic imagery. I'd wonder why. Why couldn't I save her? why didn't I know.

I think of the rage I have when I see men displaying toxic masculinity. It's become so displaced. I agitated an argument that was soon ending at a club trying to defend a woman who didn't ask for me to yell and entice a man to fight me. I think of how overwhelmed I've become with trying to avenge Maggie that I've just become reckless when it comes to toxic masculinity and refuting it.

I keep thinking about how sad we've been since she left us. She was such a joy in our family- always laughing and joking. I keep thinking about how every Christmas, no matter how hard the year was for her, she'd always get me a gift. She'd make it look expensive too, ya know putting it in a box with the fluff.

This month is so jumbled up with other things going on that there's not the proper space and time to flesh out domestic violence. There's no way to really speak about it within 31 days. How can we show awareness, solidarity and commitment to ending toxic masculinity. Regret and anger are feelings that come up with the coping of Maggie's death.

I just keep screaming to myself "it's not fair" and "why". That won't bring her back though. I have 4 cousins and a great aunt to think about. I have real ways to "avenge" her and will find constructive means to do so.

Maggie, I miss you so much.

I Dream of Maggie: Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a day full of cards, chocolate and flowers for the women in our lives that loved us. It's always been happy and exciting. I never really thought of how this holiday could be a total downer for some. Unfortunately, it has become quite melancholy for me. There is a mother I know who has shown me nothing but love all her life. Unfortunately she is gone and this brings great sadness to me this Mother's Day.

Magalie Placide.

If there was ever a family I lived within walking distance from for over 15 years, there couldn't have been a better choice than Maggie's. When the two families got together, it was always so organic. We all really acted like family to each other. We had so many good memories.

Maggie was a mother I knew I'd see and say "happy Mother's Day" to. I knew I'd give her a call or stop by with a card. I never considered that would stop any time soon. She was a mother that treated me like her own. She always enforced my body positivity. When she was struggling financially, she still made sure to give everyone a gift. She was thoughtful. Selfless. Maggie was so sweet and loving you'd never suspect her livelihood was constantly in danger.

Maggie was a victim of domestic violence. It's crazy how you can live near someone, see them constantly, and not know the pain they experience. It hurt.

So when a day like Mother's Day comes around, I think about my mom. I think about my aunts and cousins. I think about my friends. There's all these mothers I'm surrounded by and I can celebrate with. But then I have to think about Maggie. I have to think about her mom. Her kids. Her hopes and dreams.

It really stinks when you call your cousins. You try to feel that energy, that love that was there back when our family was whole. Hearing the distance that's been created between us really messes me up. We aren't the same anymore; that joy we shared is fading. This makes it hard to enjoy today.

Maggie will forever be my mother. She taught me love and fearlessness. For that I am forever grateful.

We'll all heal; I claim it. But I will never think of Mother's Day the way did when I was young. The innocent concept of motherhood. The façade of them not having problems and pains- readily available at our beck and call. I think of women who are human. Woman who are scared. Who don't know exactly what they're doing. This is all a part of the process and now I know. Now I can love and appreciate moms in a way I was once naïve to. I hope this helps me be there for them in a real way.

Celebrate your moms. Love your moms. Protect your moms. Defend your moms.