Have you ever felt you weren't allowed to have sentiments about something? There are these emotions you go through; and sometimes you tell yourself you're not allowed to feel that way. Sometimes your body is deeply connected to a situation, but you feel you cannot channel that energy due to outside factors. Well this is how I feel about grieving over Marshawn McCarrell. If you don't know about him ask about him.
Now my relationship with Marshawn is a rather distant, brief one. We met in the winter of 2014 in the boonies of Orlando for a Wildfire convening. Marshawn was there as an OSA member and I a DD member (if you don't know about them ask about them). Being the introvert that I am I was walking around by myself that first night. Alyssa (don't know about her ask about her) and him asked me if I wanted to go by the creek with them. I gladly took up their offer and enjoyed the starlight sky with them. I enjoyed hearing them talk and joke.
Two of the three nights we were there we did this together, the three of us. We didn't stay out on that creek too long but we stayed long enough for me to remember MarShawn trying to leave as he heard the splashes of alligators entering the swamp. I remember Alyssa holding him close to the rail and him begging her to let him go. I remember laughing jubilantly at their shenanigans and thinking how did these two end up asking me to hang with them not one but two times. Those distant, brief moments on that creek were sacred. They were all I knew of a real time MarShawn McCarrel.
After this trip many of us exchanged social media. I was following so many folks but I wasn't invested in what most of them were saying. But with MarShawn, I remembered his posts. I remembered empathizing with what he shared. I was invested in MarShawn; I rooted for him in a capacity he'll never know.
Lexi (if you don't know about her ask about her) actually reached out to me when MarShawn came to visit in New York. I was so happy he was here and really wanted to make it to The Rockaways so I could catch up with him and tell him how proud of him I was to his face. I wanted to be all "I see you" and "I didn't know you were doing all that" and 'I can tell you're really about liberation; you're not out here trying to get you fame. You just really love us". Unfortunately, I was too busy having a pity party for myself. I couldn't get out of bed. I missed seeing MarShawn because I was sad. As legitimate of a reason it was, I am still angry at myself for doing so. However, such is life and that moment taught me a lot and what to do next time.
Now while my relationship with MarShawn was a small one, others know him a lot better and shared way more moments with him. These folks of course grieve MarShawn in a way I cannot begin to understand. What they had with him was potent. Looking at all the folks he knew and all the people he touched in a positive light, it became intimidating for me to freely grieve and remember MarShawn. I sometimes feel as if those folks who "really knew him" are looking at me as someone who "tries to act like I knew MarShawn".
I mean what can I really say about him? What do I really know about him? These are the insecurities that come up when I desire to reflect and remember him; which is why I haven't said much about him publicly. While my relation to him was short lived he impacted my life tremendously. MarShawn is someone who's so young that has accomplished so much for the sake of freedom. He's a chill and real dude who laughs but feels so deeply. He is someone who's death effects my body physically because I got an energy from him.
The week leading up to his anniversary of leaving us, I was unenthused heavily. I was drinking beers and eating junk food although I had no appetite for either. I was laying down watching pointless television and feeling down for no reason, or so I thought. When folks started sharing about him again and the day he left, it all made sense as to why I was behaving so. I recall when he passed I became immensely sad the day of. This was before I knew anything about what happened. I was listening to music and writing. I was at my lower weight. I was feeling positive and encouraged about life and my future. That's why when I became so sad I remember asking myself why I felt that way randomly. I know my body feeds off MarShawn's energy. I know if effected me and still does, and for this reason I can grieve and I will.
I just wish MarShawn was here today. As mad, sad, and confused I was by his last action on earth, I can only think and imagine to what capacity he'd be organizing for his city today. I know he left a good impression on those he worked with and for. He did his part and still contributes to our movement. I love MarShawn. MarShawn McCarrel was a freedom fighter and taught me how to fight! We g'on fight all day and night until we get it right!
So no matter how insignificant you feel you were to a person, no matter how small your experience was or someone, if them being gone makes you feel, feel freely. Don't police your grieving and don't worry about people approving of your sentiments. This is a silly insecurity but it is real and I repress it.
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