I'm becoming very weary about adulthood. It seems like a cyclic process of abysmal until you die. Do I really have to feel totally lost every three years? Will I constantly come across people that trigger my teen years and trust issues? I'm starting to feel like there's never that sense of assuredness. That we'll all be perpetually adulting for a forsaken eternity. When you go from baby to tween to young adult, you sense your differences through the phases. But as I'm reaching 27 years on this earth with my faulty door lock being the closest thing I have to security, I can't help but wonder if I'm doing this life thing the right way.
There's so many minuscule things I overthink about. Why don't I have a neighbor I call friend? Who's that person I could invite over to do absolutely nothing? What's up with me and chruch? Will I ever reach my goals? What makes me happy? Should I change my situation if I don't like it or am I just running away from my problems? Is my attempt to seem approachable (because I've been told so many times how I'm not) working? Why is my hair still short? Still thin? Why do I have these aches and pains at 26? Will I ever find someone to love me? But even if I do what's next? Will I ever really let go of my trauma? When will I release? Ok so I'm not being as melodramatic as I thought, but still it is very clear my mind goes to these places that only weaken me.
My biggest lesson of 2018 thus far is that a weak mind is truly your biggest enemy. When you're head strong, you're unstoppable. This past January marked my third year of moving to New York. Upon arrival, my life and perspective was the opposite of my life and outlook on life today. I headed to this state with high hopes. I just knew I'd be working on wall street or something with a chic apartment near a café. I was writing constantly and eager to learn and absolve information. I was ready to connect with people and felt opem. Meanwhile I was practically homeless (as in no permanent resident; not on the streets) and being denied job after job.
It is so interesting how today I have an actual career with so many opportunities, but feel so limited. I feel stuck. Most of my days are spent desiring to be in my bed. When out and about I am now anxious about speaking about my goals and dreams, because I doubt they'll every come to fruition. This feeling sucks. I get mad at myself and wish to not be that person. A not so nice opinion of mine: some people are pathetic; and I fear becoming one of them. Many instances of greatness are achieved, whether by a stranger or acquaintance, proving that success is available. So while lacking the success desired, I start to feel more and more lame. I wonder if I am that person everyone is saying didn't amount to anything. Projection is a hell of a drug. Essentially I'm embarrassed of myself, to myself. Desperately I seek to impress myself again. I want to make me proud.
So why'd I mention Deja vu? My anxiety of never feeling "set" has brought up the feeling of unease for me when considering the rest of my life. Obviously life is unpredictable and anything can happen to anyone, but it'd be nice to feel secure in the choices and life I live. Career and educational woes weigh heavy on me while trying to manage or more specifically, create, a social and emotional foundation. That feeling of being lost and unsure keeps reoccurring throughout my life. When I was in high school, college, after college, in my late 20s I felt this way. Clearly I'm still in my prime and may ultimately be displaying my youth and naivety. This may all be in my head. I may be over-exaggerating or jumping the gun on my path to contentment. Either way, I know I've been here before. I've felt this way before and it doesn't feel good. Most times I can get through it. Every time I can get through it. It is becoming tiring and I wonder how I can continue this process without burning out. No I do not wish to not have to work. I don't wish to be filthy rich. I just want to feel confident in my future plans. I want to be able to have future plans. As a queer black woman, there are already so many socioeconomics stats that say me getting older is a turn for the worst. Me as a fat woman is indicative to doctors that I'm worth the counseling. Just take her money and send her off. She'll be riddled with diabetes and heart issues anyways. This fear of failure is real.
When I as a black women in a dating world that already lacks commitment, but also lacks interest in black women, I am just overwhelmed with the potential reality of never finding companionship. To possible fail in life alone and deal with whatever other daily hurdles scares me.
All my life I've been a fighter. I've been adamant about making my goals come into fruition. I speak words of life, wellness and blessings. So ultimately, I know it's all good and everything will be alright. But that isn't a certainty. I've learned enough times that what you want will not always come to light. That's the unpredictable part about life though. Things will happen and you have to deal with it. There are ups and downs and each moment is an opportunity for growth. So this is that time in my life where I have to sink or swim. I have to fight for the life I want. I have to fight for the girl who dreamed of greatness since she could remember. I have to make it work for me; I'm all I got. I've been through it before in a different way, and I will continue to endure. I will survive until I thrive!
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