Seriously why am I still doing this? Last year I fell completely off the wagon with the 52 essays challenge and here I am once again flopping. I honestly believe if I committed to this challenge, it would revolutionize my life. Constantly, I'm doubting my writing abilities; so why am I avoiding an exercise that allows me to write weekly? Making a big declaration about doing something and actually doing it, are two different things.
A couple of weeks ago I was dismissed from jury duty due to my exasperated asthma. That was one of the few moments in my life when my breathing compromised me from getting things done. As a middle school student, who was in Sea Cadets, I made sure to never miss out on our runs because of my asthma. Even on the days I knew I should stay behind, and just bullshit around the water coolers with the other students, whether hurt or lazy, my pride wouldn't let me. I wanted so badly to be strong and powerful. I wanted to show I could do this run, no matter how sweaty and out of breath I was by the end of it. I would always come in last, walking a pitiful walk back onto campus. Regardless of how awful and embarrassing the run was for me, I would do them. Both years of being in Sea Cadets, that run was ran on our Saturday morning workouts. The constant exercise not only challenged me, it built my character. Following wasn't easy at all, but it was worth it when in turn growth and endurance was gained. That sense of reaching the finish line and appreciating the process occurred. It felt damn good having my chubby behind make it back and kneel over gasping for air until another cadet warned me to stand as to not injure myself. Doing leads to an end result, and it's almost always hard, but always worth it. Trying will never be a waste of time. Efforts are seen and felt and can yield to more. I just have to do.
Thinking back on this moment of time is encouragement for me to persevere in this writing world. If you talk to someone they may make it seem a world away. They say things like "everyone wants that big break" or "you just have to know someone; they're not going to let just anyone in". But while those people are saying things leaving me doubtful and hopeless, I'm also hearing "you've got great ideas", "this article is so good" and "I can see you writing for...". My dream of becoming a professional writer has to be envisioned as a goal. This is something that takes time. And I hope to put in that time through the many facets of my writing, which includes this essay challenge.
So yea I suck at this! But I'll be getting better. I have to believe in myself again, which can be a whole different entry. Still, it is good to know I have made a mark in this field already; let's just get it to be bigger, darker and bolder. This career isn't for the lazy, and like when I was at the fold of my runs, it's time to pick up the pace. It's time to zero in on the field of peers who've made it. It's time to look onto their encouraging faces and make bigger strides. Time to pick up feet higher. Time to skip over the rocky turfs. Time to let the kicked up dust stay on my calves. It's time to make it to them with an ugly face, to then be able to stop, but you can't even stop because you were goin so fast. Your feet just keep skidding until you possibly fall. It's time to enjoy celebration with these peers who are glad to see you made it. It's time to celebrate, because I got here. I made it.
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