Life makes you feel that, inevitably, you're going to hang around people who don't really "see it for you". To me this is whack and doesn't have to be anyone's reality. We are owed spaces and places that view us as valuable. Personally, being a fat, black, queer woman has left me feeling like a burden many instances when I walk into a room. I'll either be greeted with contrived smiles or shameless glares. The discomfort is clear and so many times I've tried to normalize this happening. But how is this normal when walking into church, friend's homes, group hangouts and so on? Once again that's whack; and it's time to get in where you fit in.
Warning, a cheesy analogy follows. If you like to dance, you go where the dancers dance. You'll go to that dancehall or take a dance class. Perhaps you'll join a troupe or team. You want to be around like minded individuals that'll turn into your second family. We go places to find bonds we may not get at work or at places we're obligated to be. So what happens when you're in that space, and things don't play out in the embracing and loving fashion you'd imagine it to? Now you're confronted with the reality that this may not be a spot for you. Although you want to dance and this is a dancing space, this particular space isn't allowing you to be; and that's just not healthy. For whatever reason, the people in that space aren't receiving you well, and that is going to manifest in a poor manner. It is sad and fascinating how people make it a point to ostracize you from a space when all you want to do is exist positively.
You got that annoying analogy (which I arbitrarily umbrella under misogyny), to avoid me being too telling about my own personal dilemma. But basically, a few people in a space I frequent clearly don't see it for me. It is disheartening because this space calls particularly to folks who've been shunned, shamed, isolated and oppressed. This is supposed to be a safe space, but we know by now safe spaces aren't real. Or at least not sustainable. But the two main folks who don't see it for me are in leadership and using their platform to publicly humiliate and shade me. While I've never been the one to lay there while getting stepped on, I'm so sick and tired of telling people how to treat me. I'm over fighting for my respect. And while that place is basically wonderful aside from those two particular assholes, I refuse to keep putting myself in situations that harm me. I'm not doing it and I know I don't have to do it to find a sense of community. Forget normalizing beratement, gossip, mocking and inconsistency from those you're in relation to. We are allowed to expect better from one another.
While I know there is no way to get the perfect setting, with all amazing people, who show respect and human decency (which isn't high expectations at all), but we can get pretty close. We can expect better of other people because we ourselves, don't operate that way. It's always amazing to me how those folks make it clear they don't like me. Whether it's backhanded compliments or ignoring me when we're talking in a group, being short with me when I do something but when another person does that same thing they are understanding, shutting me out of events- I mean they almost take pride in how obnoxious they can be. It's whack, it's whack, it's whack.
This was a place I wanted to win over. I wanted to own that turf and make those folks who were cruel to me feel uncomfortable once I walk in. But that tit for tat tactic is old. I don't want to get into semantics or shenanigans to be the cool kid on the playground. I'm not saying to give up every space that you feel people don't see it for you in, but the more you walk away from cruddy situations, the more time you have to walk into a space you'll love. For all of us are places where we're celebrated and not tolerated. It is just a matter of not wasting your time and energy on people who don't see how lucky they are to be around you. How do I know? Because for all those people in those spots that don't see it for me, is a person who thinks the world of me! Their face lights up and they embrace me with the warmest hugs. They hang onto every word I say and it is clear they value me. Those people exist. We can get to them if we let the whack ones go. Why have such bad energy around you anyway?
I shared this to basically say I'm leaving that space. That doesn't mean I won't every visit the place; but as it stands, the environment isn't somewhere I want to consistently be. Experiences we volunteer should feel good. Places we frequent as a choice should feel good. There's no need to be around negativity on your own accord; to me avoiding that is self care.
While I feel like I'm missing out on "dancing", this is definitely not the only place I can go to dance. I'll be able to dance in a bigger and better capacity now that I'm respecting my art enough not to share with people who don't nourish it or me.
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