Since I was a young girl, like about a tween, I've noticed something funny about the way folks interpreted my words. They would mimic my phrases and gestures, but something would always be off about them. Sometimes I'd say something with a sense of fatigue or confusion, and somehow it was translated into sass and attitude. When I spoke in a normal calm tone, others repeated what I said as if I was aggressive or short. These instances used to befuddle me; "how'd they get all that from what I just said". "What's the deal with the 'mhm hmm' and 'uh uh' ad libs?" How did my concerned face become one of agitation?
The folks that always construed my words would always change my inflictions, add body language such as neck and eye rolls, and just make me speaking an issue. The older I became, the more my response was to become defensive and angry. I finally realized that what was occurring what society demonizing and stigmatizing me. Even when I'm right in someone's face authentically functioning, somehow they turned it into generalizations of what they see within a black girl.
They hear the throaty "mhmm hmm" so they put it where I never said. They see the neck roll and finger shake so they add it to my mannerism. It's due to the ever shifting but still existing stigma put on black girls. How could one's view on you be so racist that as I'm speaking to you, you literally alter what I just said? This is an aggravating process that typecasts my life into a role I didn't come to play. The folks who contort the ways in which I express are inflicting hate on me. I cannot stand them and I've gotten to a point where I want to defend my autonomy.
What sparked this topic was a coworker doing exactly this today. She asked me what I was getting for lunch and I replied "uh, ___". The "uh" was a thoughtful/contemplative one. Yet she busts out laughing and turns my "uh" into a growly angry one. I just had to say "it's not even like that" and walk away. I put back on my Laura Mvula and enjoyed my break. But this really isn't fair. I'm tired of racists trying to make me out to be something I'm not. I'm tired of people only perceiving a black girl as full of attitude and angry. We are so much more than that and I won't be shoved into their small black girl identity box.
Another recent instance was when I was passing out flyers and someone said I handing them out "aggressively". This was a real thing a real racist said. Why are black girls so under attack? Can we not be policed in everything we do? Can society just take off the shades of racism and view black girls as individuals who aren't angry all the time? And believe you me, I know when I'm angry. I'm an Aires everyone will know when I'm angry. So it isn't an issue of admitting I am aggressive or agitated during these situations. The issue is that people turn my normal communication into that and it's absurd. While there is an intentional shift on the black girl perspective, individuals like this still see us black girls at school, work, church, the park and wherever else. They still try to gaslight us into taking on the sassy black woman persona. Contrary to popular media, this isn't how we are. So please stop being so extra and making a mockery of who I am.
I hate that this is a real issue black girls deal with. I hope black girls see through this garbage and exist very authentically. I know we will get to live soon!
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