It took me meditating and praying to realize that I am emotionally, physically and spiritually tired of fake people. I have been wondering why I've been so quick to crawl into bed, eat junk food when I'm not even hungry and at all hours and be just overall un-eased. There was also this resistance to pray. There's a certain level of honesty I tend to steer clear from that confronts me boldly in my prayer life. There's only you and God when you're praying. You are centering on yourself when you're meditating. You can't avoid the reality of your life and feelings in these moments (at least when you pray/ meditate intentionally). So it was a painful but relieving moment when I finally came into understanding that the fake people I encounter and relationships are taking a toll on me. This was painful because I am disappointed in how much people can get to me; honestly I wish I was stronger. However, I'm satisfied to know this has been an issue for me, because now I can intentionally work on dealing with these stressful situations.
My last 52 Essays topic was about haters, and I was essentially throwing a middle finger to them, acting as if I'm not bothered about how people think of me. Yet as I continue in my days I learn others heavily impacting my emotions. This is daunting; I typically come off unbothered. I tricked myself into believing I was for a long time. But how can I be if the girl who mumbles things about me in my face brings me anger and anxiety? How does this hold true if I'm constantly preparing myself to see someone I know is going to be snarky with me? Clearly folks are getting to me on all levels.
So what do I do now knowing this? I don't know, but there has to be a shift. There has to be a change in who I deal with. I honestly believe there is a reality for me with real and sincere people constantly around. I claim it.
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