52 Essays 2017: I Didn't Make A New Year's Resolution But It Feels Like I Did (and Failed)

I notice once it hits October, people are already talking about the next year. They're already proclaiming their new year's resolutions. "20__ is my year!" they say. Personally I'm annoyed by those folks. I mean hello there's still a few months left in that year. It just feels like those people aren't giving the whole year a chance; so ready to close that current chapter in life. I believe rushing to the next chapter is missing out on memories and life lessons. For whatever reason we tend to move on quickly, and it actually backfires more times than not. I realized this as my new year continued.

I've never been a resolution person when it comes to the new year. My thing is to just be a better me. However, while I didn't make any resolutions I definitely resolved my perspective stepping into 2017. I was waking up early, praying and meditating, taking on extra work, writing, running, keeping up with calls and meetings, and just feeling like a superb adult. While I typically reject the idea of "new year new me" I was operating as if I believed the hype. And essentially that's all it is: hype. For while my January had me feeling on top of my life, my February did not follow suit.

Throughout January I was exceptionally on point in all realms of my life. For anyone, as routine as they are, there's still usually a few areas in their life they're neglecting. So to be at the point where everything was covered all the time was unsustainable. Which is why that superb adult high came crashing down come February. I was coming in late for work again, neglecting calls with my organization, spending money frivolously, eating poorly, skipping church, not writing, and just being completely unproductive. I hated it and myself. Though I detected the issue early, I couldn't get myself to snap out of it. I just kept letting life live me. After evaluating the year thus far I realized this was the issue. Learning I had reset my life along with the new year unconsciously, made me realize I'm now grossly backpedaling because I exhausted myself the first month.

It's interesting how we can sometimes accidentally get sucked into the trends that we claim we oppose. I feel that was just me being excited for what's to come this year. Now that I know what I can bite and chew, I anticipated ending February well and starting off March nice and stabilized.

For anyone who is into New Year's resolutions, I do not mean to insult the practice. Anytime is a good time to start anew, including January 1st. I only urge you to make progressive practical habits that'll allow long term habits. The goal in life is to improve and we're always pressuring ourselves to be better at a rapid rate. That crashing feeling did not feel good and left me getting less accomplished in these two months than I would have if I paced myself.

Also please don't wallow in your pity too long like I did. Get up and get back at it! You've got this and must be proud every effort you put in. One tip to staying on top of things if a three item long to-do list.

Every day write down three to dos. As long as you accomplished one, you'll know you got something done that day and will eventually get all three items completed within a day!

MarShawn Made February Matter Again

Monday night, February 8 2016, was one of the most terrible nights of my life. The numbness to confusion echoed for days. It still echoes honestly, and probably will never cease. I'll never understand it all, why it happened, but I will accept it. I will grow from it. There are  many takeaways from this incident that can help us as organizers and people be better, be our best.

MarShawn McCarrel was a freedom fighter and he taught me how to fight. But first he taught me how to love.

I was privileged to meet him December 2014 at The Wildfire's Convening. The first night we were there hanging out, he and Alyssa, another member of the Ohio Student Association, invited me to hang with them. I remember us hanging on that creek, talking about everything silly and serious and being family to each other. I got the luxury of doing this again with MarShawn another night there. From him, I felt no judgment, no pressure to impress. I was myself and he loved and accepted me. He listened to me and the weird things I said. He loved me; that was just the kind of person he was: a lover of people.

Although MarShawn left a great impression on me that week, seeing him be loving, artistic, and a leader, my admiration was elevated even more for him when we all parted ways and became FB friends.

Organizers can accomplish so much and get so little recognition for it, but MarShawn did both. He had many interviews and awards and thanks for the strong building he did in Ohio, Feed the Streets being one of his greatest accomplishment. With all the love he got, there was also hate. There was also depression. There were also demons.

I still can't conceptualize him shooting himself. I still can't believe he planned this all. I still can't believe his death was his last action. He was in New York and I didn't reach out. I wish I did. I wish I knew I wouldn't get a chance to see him again.

We've got to love and celebrate each other.

 

If I could best understand what it is to be love, community, impactful, authentic and indelible, I'd look at MarShawn. He magnifies the idea of what all those things are. I truly believe those who are filled with the most love have the most pain. MarShawn was a comet, fast and filled with light. But comets die out quick; all that energy builds and moves fast for many to see, then it dies.

I love you MarShawn, FLOhio loves you and the nation loves you.